Bogley

[Randi]

Bread Hazards

Important warnings for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

Newborn babies can choke on bread.

Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, the following bread restrictions are proposed:

No sale of bread to minors.

A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. :mrgreen:

The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

~ Live long and prosper! Just say "NO" to bread and bread products!

~Randi (bored and boring?) : /

[rockgremlin]

Frightening how these kind of stats are used everyday to justify sheer nonsense.....like Global Warming.... :roflol:

[Randi]

rockgremlin wrote: Frightening how these kind of stats are used everyday to justify sheer nonsense.....like Global Warming.... :roflol:

Hey, global warming is NO Joke!

However, there’s a much more sinister explanation for the increased greenhouse gases & decreased ozone layer our planet is experiencing. More than the natural Milankovitch cyles, more than the rampant burning of fossil fuels, destruction of eco-systems, etc….

http://www.ecoenquirer.com/weather-wars.htm

There’s always a conspiracy behind every good theory! :gloom:

[rockgremlin]

Randi wrote: rockgremlin wrote: Frightening how these kind of stats are used everyday to justify sheer nonsense.....like Global Warming.... :roflol:

Hey, global warming is NO Joke!

However, there’s a much more sinister explanation for the increased greenhouse gases & decreased ozone layer our planet is experiencing. More than the natural Milankovitch cyles, more than the rampant burning of fossil fuels, destruction of eco-systems, etc….

http://www.ecoenquirer.com/weather-wars.htm

There’s always a conspiracy behind every good theory! :gloom:

Just a little joke there Randi -- no seriousness in my comment. I take my real opinions on GW over to the Environmental thread.

[Randi]

[quote="rockgremlin"] Randi wrote: rockgremlin wrote: Frightening how these kind of stats are used everyday to justify sheer nonsense.....like Global Warming.... :roflol:

Hey, global warming is NO Joke!


http://www.ecoenquirer.com/weather-wars.htm


Just a little joke there Randi -- no seriousness in my comment. I take my real opinions on GW over to the Environmental thread.

:mrgreen: yeah, I knew that! :mrgreen:

Thats why I posted that joke link!!!!!! :lol8:

[MTpockets]

Randi wrote:


Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.




:roflol: :roflol:

[Scott Card]

Thanks Randi... I just copied this and put it in my file to be used when someone tries to throw some stupid statistics my way. Loved the felons and bread stats.

[Iceaxe]

Good to see that bread was not the cause of teen pregnancy as orginally suspected :lol8:

[Randi]

Iceaxe wrote: Good to see that bread was not the cause of teen pregnancy as orginally suspected :lol8:

I wouldn't be so sure about that Shane. After all...pregnancy is often referred to as "having a bun in the oven" :haha:

Did you know that there's a theory that an overdose of bread might lead to spontaneous combustion?

Stay alive ~ just say "no" to bread!
And dough...
and all manner of dough peddlers... :mrgreen:

[Scout Master]

We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band
On the right side of temperance we do take our stand
We don't use tobacco, because we do think
The people who use it are likely to drink


Away, away with rum by gum, with rum by gum, with rum by gum
Away, away with rum by gum, the song of the temperance union

We never eat fruit cake because it has rum
And one little taste turns a man to a bum
Oh, can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than a man eating fruit cake until he gets tight

We never eat cookies because they have yeast
And one little bite turns a man to a beast
Oh, can you imagine a sadder disgrace
Than a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face

If you wash your hair, never rinse it with beer
Because if you do, you'll get foam in your ear
And if there's one thing a young man must dread
It's dating a girl with a head on her head

If you pick your navel, don't do it with a knife
Because if you do you'll get the shock of your life
Oh, can you imagine a site quite a horrid
As a man pulling out his umbilical cord

We never eat peaches, because peaches ferment
And peaches ferment at the least little dent
Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than a man drunk on peaches he thought were alright

We never eat oatmeal, because oatmeal is mush
And one little bite turns a man to a lush
Oh can you imagine the pain of a ma
To watch little junior act just like his pa

We never chew toothpicks because we recall
That wood ferments into wood alcohol
Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than a man chewing toothpicks until he gets tight

We never drink water, they put it in gin
One little sip and a man starts to grin
Oh can you imagine the horrible sight
Of a man drinking water and singing all night

[Sombeech]

This is why I'm on the Atkins Diet.