Bogley

[accadacca]

Monday

Slap a Post-it Note on a coworker’s computer while he’s gone with “Pay bookie,” “Buy crack,” or “Crotch salve.” (+1)

Wrench off the W, K, or Q keys from a coworker’s keyboard. (+1)

Anytime anyone asks where someone is, even if they’re in the copy room or using the bathroom, respond, “I don’t know. He went to lunch, like, an hour ago.” (+2)

Put a bottle of Metamucil in the fridge, with an angry note that says “DON’T TOUCH—THIS MEANS YOU” and sign it with a coworker’s initials. (+2)

Smear a thin film of Vaseline all over a coworker’s computer monitor. (+2)

Hide a coworker’s mail, especially interoffice mail. (+5)

Log into your e-mail remotely from home, late at night, and send some meaningless work to a coworker—cc everyone. (+5)

Steal all the staplers and stash them around someone else’s desk. (+1)

Stay five minutes later than a coworker. As he or she prepares to leave on time, look harried and busy, and snap, “Half day, huh?” (+2)

Fake sick all day. When someone asks you why you’re at work, state proudly, “Don’t worry, I’m not contagious. I just can’t screw everyone over like [coworker’s name] did when he had that stuffy nose.” (+5)

Steal a coworker’s idea. Tell everyone how he stole it from you. (+5)

Go into a coworker’s AutoCorrect function in Microsoft Word: Change minor words like “the,” “profit,” and “he” to “sucknuts,” “vomit,” and “peaches.” (+5)

Tuesday
Nobody expects professional Armageddon on a Tuesday.

Casually toss a copy of Neo-Nazi Poetry Monthly into someone’s trash can. (+1)

Mention how cute your boss’ kids are in front of him and another person. (+1)

If a coworker is late, joke that he must have been “drinking till three in the morning.” (+1)

E-mail a member of your team regarding a missed deadline, or some other small error, and cc his manager. (+2)

During a meeting, undermine your peer’s ideas by cutting him off with, “Wow, I had that same idea!” (+2)

Post an ad on Craigslist titled “Corporate Executive Looking For Hot BDSM Damage From Bear W/Handlebar.” Leave a coworker’s office number. (+2)

Start a nasty fight with a coworker over e-mail, then delete all your responses. Reply shocked, and blind cc your boss. (+5)

Blow by a coworker’s desk and shout, “Stop sniffing your finger.” (+3)

Send an e-mail from a coworker’s computer that says, “Printer down!” when the printer works just fine. (+1)

Send an e-mail to HR from your coworker’s computer asking if the company HMO covers gambling addiction. (+4)

Start a vicious rumor around the water cooler about a coworker on any of the following topics: “So-and-so is breaking up/divorcing,” “So-and-so is in trouble with the IRS,” or “So-and-so wears diapers.” (+5)

Wednesday
Hump Day…only now you’re actually screwing someone over.

During meetings, laugh extra hard at a coworker’s mediocre jokes. When asked later, tell people you felt sorry for him. (+1)

Publicly ask a coworker, over and over throughout the day, if he’s “feeling OK.” (+1)

Over the course of the day, slowly soak the carpet under your coworker’s chair with cheap bourbon. (+2)

Leave a fake résumé with a coworker’s name in the fax machine. Make sure a prior job on the résumé is “Neverland Ranch.” (+2)

Twist and remove one of the wheels off the chair of a coworker. Place it conspicuously on the desk of a rival coworker. (+2)

Replace one of your coworker’s family desk photos with nude pics of fat Europeans. (+5)

Mispronounce a coworker’s name. When he corrects you, just shrug and wink. (+5)

Dump hundreds of show-tune MP3s on a coworker’s personal server file. This will slow the network down, and IT will have to go searching for the offender. (+5)

Thursday
The end of the week is near, and so is someone’s reputation.

Ask a manager if he’s seen a coworker. When the manager asks why, respond, “No reason. Nothing’s the matter. Why would anything be the matter?” (+1)

Compliment the following useless talents: collating ability, color copying, numerous smoke breaks, and persistent trips to rest room. (+1)

Set a coworker’s desk clock back five subtle minutes. (+1)

Randomly ask a colleague, “Did you hear what [coworker’s name] said to that intern?” When the colleague responds, “No,” shake your head in disapproval. (+2)

Tell a coworker, “So-and-so thinks you’re cute.” Tension builds as the coworker can’t figure out why the person doesn’t flirt back. (+2)

Make GeriatricErotica.com a coworker’s Web browser home page. (+5)

Friday
Thank God it’s Friday—someone wins and everybody else eats it.

Ignore Official Rules #5 and/or #7. (+5)

Tell a coworker that a certain other coworker was in the rest room snorting either a powdered donut or… (+1)

Pass the buck in public to an unsuspecting coworker by completing your request with the phrase, “There is no ‘I’ in team.” If he makes even a tiny error, admonish him. (+2)

Instead of dialing your colleague’s direct extension, dial “1” and the area code first so that your number doesn’t appear on his caller ID. Cover the mouthpiece and don’t say anything. Just listen to him say, “Hello, hello, hello.” (+2)

Anytime a coworker shows a photo of their husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend, remark on how happy you are they “finally found a way to work it out.” (+5)

Start a blog with a coworker’s name for the URL. “Expose” corruption in the office. (+5)

Secretly replace desk toys with bottles of Aunt Jemima syrup. (+5)

...From Maxim Magazine